


Irrational Fears

by whichlights (orphan_account)



Series: Better Angels [2]
Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: AU, Abuse, Alternate Universe, Bad Parent Robert Lightwood, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Gen, M/M, Self-Harm, Torture, because maryse is a great parent, book canon characters, im forgetting something i know it, oh yah that thing i was forgetting?, or the book where camille comes and screws crap up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-16
Updated: 2016-12-21
Packaged: 2018-06-02 12:21:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 16,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6566017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/whichlights
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>*sequel to Better Angels, set in the CoLS time period, most things haven't changed*</p><p>Alec Lightwood just doesn't think happiness was meant for him.</p><p>Jace was missing, Clary followed him, Robert was worse than ever and Camille Belcourt seems to have a personal vendetta against him.</p><p>Now this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ignore my bad summary skills please im trying

“Something’s wrong.” Alec muttered, crossing his arms and starting to pace. Magnus watched him walk side to side a few times, watching the way he nervously rubbed his wrist.

“Hey.” Magnus whispered. If it had been anyone else, he would have deadpanned _you’re being paranoid_. Not with Alec. Alec seemed to have developed a keen sense of when danger was near at a very young age, and was not often wrong.

When Alec thought something was up, Magnus listened to him.

“What’s wrong?” Magnus said instead, standing up too. The lobby of the hotel had a scattering of Shadowhunters in it, called in to deal with the situation, but not many. Really, only Jocelyn and Luke looked like they cared. Alec had said, only half joking, it was because the New York Institute was cursed.

_“It’s taboo.” Alec had given a sharp laugh. “Lightwoods used to be liked, you know.”_

“It’s... hard to put my finger on. Something just feels fundamentally _wrong_ and I...” Alec froze, going even paler than usual. “Jace.”

“What about Jace?” Magnus asked.

“Jace!” Alec yelped and dashed for the elevator. “Alec!” Magnus called after him.

Alec skittered to a stop as the elevator door opened, revealing a small and crying Clary. “Where’s Jace?” He demanded.

“He’s gone.” Clary rasped. “Alec, he’s gone...”

“What do you mean he’s gone!” Alec felt bad for yelling at Clary, but panic was overriding everything else. 

“I mean, all that’s on the roof is the remains of Lilith’s ritual to bring Sebastian back, using Simon’s Daylighter blood, and some pieces of bloody glass.” Clary hugged her arms. “I told him I would be right back... five minutes...”

Alec stumbled backwards, into Magnus. “I can’t feel him.” Alec whispered, and let Magnus hold him. “Jace. I can’t... he’s...” _My best friend, my parabatai, my brother... gone. I can’t feel him._ Alec had always been aware of Jace’s soul bound to his, closer than brothers. Now that link felt dead. _He_ felt dead.

“We’ll find him.” Magnus promised, and hugged Alec tighter. Alec breathed in the smell of his shirt. “We’ll find him. Clary, do you have something I could use to track him?”

Clary took off her Morgenstern ring, and handed it to Magnus. Magnus took it, and Alec managed to stand on his own two feet, barely. He rubbed his wrist, tossing his head side to side and looking, as if Jace would magically appear from the shadows. 

Clary went to her mother and Luke and Simon, crying. Alec still wandered around, slightly lost, keeping Magnus in his sight at all time like he might disappear too. 

Alec overheard a flash of conversation, from one of the visiting Shadowhunters. “Tracking? That’ll only work if he’s still alive-”

Alec promptly threw up.

\---

“What do you mean Jace is gone?” Maryse put a hand over her mouth, eyes wide. Robert did not react, keeping his cold eyes on Alec’s bowed head. 

“I mean one minute was on the roof... everything was normal... and now it’s not.” Alec choked out, feeling like he might be sick again. “I think something’s blocking our bond...”

Maryse pursed her lips. “Alexander, you look a little green. I’m going to get an herbal remedy. Can you two behave yourselves for five minutes?”

“Sure. Thanks mom.” Alec could barely make the sounds. Her heels clacked on the ground as she left. 

“So you did nothing to stop it?” Robert asked. 

There was no right answer to that. “There was nothing I could have done.” Alec shivered. 

“You’re right.” Robert said. 

Alec nearly had a heart attack. “R-really?” _You never say I’m right. What are you doing?_

“You couldn’t’ve helped because you’re useless.” Robert hissed and stepped forward. Alec slumped down further and tried to make himself too small to see. It didn’t work, because Robert hit him anyway.

The first blow, aided by a Strength rune, sent Alec to the ground, but he didn’t react. _You didn’t save Jace, you worthless piece of trash. Why didn’t you save him? Nothing you could do? You could have done_ something.

Alec didn’t know if it was a voice in his head or Robert yelling in his ear as he dragged Alec’s limp form up by the collar of his shirt, but it was there and it was true. Alec didn’t fight back, or try to get away, and he closed his eyes after a while. 

Suddenly, instead of pain, Alec was wrapped in a warm embrace. “Stop!” His mother shrieked. “Keep your hands off of him!”

“He is nothing!”

“He is your _son_! You sick bastard! You’ve done nothing but be cruel to Alec and I will not allow it!”

“Then why haven’t you told the Clave?” Alec cracked his eyes open and Robert was pointing angrily. “Because they’d take Alexander away and you’re selfish.”

“You’re abusive!”

Alec started shivering, as if the ice and venom in their words were chilling the very air. Maryse wrapped her arms around him tighter and Alec tried not to wriggle. “Go to the farthest corner of this Institute you can, and leave my son alone.”

“He’s my son too.”

“He’ll be your son when you act like a father!” Maryse hissed and practically carried Alec to his room. His head was pounding, and his heart felt dead. “I’m sorry.” She whispered to her unresponsive child. “I am selfish. I should...” She trailed off and sighed.

The second the door was closed, and Alec couldn’t hear her footsteps, he sat up. He rubbed at his eyes, and dried off his face. One cheek burned- that was going to bruise, along with various places on his chest. Alec forced himself to stand and walk to his small bathroom.

He took a cold shower and tried to pretend he didn’t see the small stream of blood that mixed with the water. Alec sighed and slumped against the wall, and started trembling. 

Then he stood up straight, and got dressed. He stared at his reflection for a long while, a pale face that was starting to bruise- an _iratze_ could take care of it -and too long black hair and blue eyes. His shirt was baggy, and partially falling off one shoulder, showing the parabatai rune on his collarbone. 

Alec marched into his room, pulled on a pair of boots, and grabbed the _stele_ off his nightstand, and slung his bow and quiver over his shoulder carelessly. Then he opened the window and started climbing down the side of the Institute, and he thought _I’m doing this._

_I’m actually doing this._

Alec shoved his hands in his pockets and walked away from the Institute. When he was almost to the gate he was jogging. When he hit the street, he started running. One block later, he was sprinting madly.

Suddenly he was in a whole mess of mundanes, tourists, locals. Alec had never been good at blending into crowds, but he tried. He tossed his head back and forth, looking around as if someone could possibly follow him. Maybe he had a certain look about him- even with his bow glamoured, he looked ready for a fight. Maybe mundie police would be able to tell something was up, that he was a runaway, and take him back.

Alec tried to walk faster, but the mundane crowds were slow going. Finally, he managed to get to an area with mild traffic, and could go up to a light jog. He stared at the ground and focused on the sound of his breathing and almost didn’t notice when he turned and ran into a man. “Sorry-” He started, but the man grinned and shoved him into an alley. 

“Hey! Hands off you-” The man put his hand over Alec’s mouth and Alec’s screams became muffled. Something very cold and very sharp was pressed against Alec’s rib cage- a knife. 

Alec acted on complete instinct, fueled by fear. He bit the man’s hand, and felt blood well up in his mouth. The man yelled and yanked his hand away, and Alec felt blood against his skin. 

Alec grabbed the man by the shoulders and shoved him into a wall, and leaped away before he could land a blow. Alec stomped his foot on the man’s, and scrambled away, his side burning. The man slumped to the ground.

 _Oh, God, Alec, you can’t just rain holy angelic fury on the mundanes!_ Alec knelt down to feel his pulse, and the man grasped his wrist. Alec gave a shriek and yanked his arm away, kicking the man in the chest and not looking back as he ran away.

He didn’t care how suspicious he looked. Alec bolted. And when he ran into someone else he started screaming immediately. He shut his eyes as someone gripped his wrist when he tried to run. “Let _go_ of me!”

Surprisingly, the person actually let go. Alec turned around, ready to fight, and saw Simon Lewis staring back at him.

“ _Simon_?” Alec asked incredulously. “What are you-”

“Alec?” 

Fear tightened in Alec’s chest. “Oh, God, don’t take me back. Don’t take me back there _please_.”

“What’s wrong? Alec?” Simon held up his hands calmly. “What is going on?”

“I... I ran away.” Alec whispered. “I ran away from home.”

Simon smiled slightly. “Good job.”

“I-I don’t know what I’m doing!” Alec put his face in his hands. “I should just go home. I thought this was a good idea but it’s _not._ I think I ran into a murderer before you came!”

“What about Magnus? Are you... leaving without him? He’s going to be crushed-”

“What? No! I don’t know, I was going to call him once I felt safe! Like, out of the state. Or country.”

“Then you’re doing that pretty inefficiently, unless you want to take the long route by going to Mexico. What were you going to do then, after you called Magnus?”

“Elope? I don’t know! I didn’t have a plan past _get out of the house_!”

Simon bit his lip. “You’re... oh- gosh! You’re bleeding!”

Alec looked at himself. He’d almost forgotten he’d been stabbed. How was that possible?”

“Come on.” Simon said briskly. “I know, uh, we don’t know each other that well. But I’m taking you to the Dumort. Then we’re calling Magnus.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *the part about laundry detergent was graciously offered to be by paraboyfriendbatai on tumblr to help get me through writers block

“Raphael?” Simon called. Alec had gone silent, rubbing his wrist, slumped against the wall of the Dumort. He’d assured Simon multiple times that his healing rune had worked, and he wasn’t going to bleed out, but Simon wasn’t convinced.

Almost like magic, Raphael Santiago was behind Simon. “What is he doing here?”

“Do you have Magnus’s number?” Simon asked instead. “He and Alec need to talk.”

“What happened?” Raphael asked, tilting his head, and looked at Alec, who had closed his eyes.

“Alec ran away.” Simon crossed his arms. “He has no idea how to survive in the mundane world- can he stay here until Magnus comes? Also can you call Magnus?”

Raphael sighed. “I can’t believe you.”

“Is that a no?”

“It’s an I can’t believe you.” Raphael walked away, muttering. “Stupid Nephilim. Why does everyone bring him here?”

Simon sat down next to Alec. “I’m sorry.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Raphael is going to make you leave.”

“He’s not.” 

“But-”

“He won’t make me leave.” Alec cut Simon off, slumping against the wall even further, the artificial lighting of the hotel making him look washed out. 

Raphael came back a few minutes later with a bottle of water. Simon was confused. Vampires don’t need water. Raphael handed the water to Alec, and then turned away. “Bane isn’t answering his phone. My best guess is that he’s in the middle of summoning a demon, or something equally stupid. I left him a message.”

“Thanks, Raphael.” Alec smiled, but he looked distracted. 

Raphael ignored him and continued. “Because this is the literal home of every vampire in the city, and I’d bet good money on none of them liking you, there’s a room set aside for you. Just lock the door and stay there until Bane comes to take you away from here.”

Simon gaped at Raphael. “I thought you said you weren’t going to let him stay!”

“I did not say that.” Raphael said, and Alec stood up. “This way.”

—

They used the same detergent as his mother. 

It shouldn’t have surprised him - his family didn’t have a monopoly on artificial lavender. But it did surprise him. Alec had dropped his bow and quiver on the floor, and slammed the door behind him, thinking of _anything_ other than his parents.

Then he’d smelled the sheets.

Fake flowers, overly strong scent, the brand that promised they’d leave sheets soft and fluffy, but failed to deliver on that promise. Alec felt his throat tighten, and found it hard to breathe. 

He touched the swollen area of his cheek, where his half healed bruise was. Alec sat down slowly on the bed, and shoved his face into a pillow, the smell of lavender absolutely overwhelming him. 

“What am I doing?” Alec asked the pillow, voice muffled. “What am I actually doing? I should just go back…”

 _No, you will not._ An inner voice chided him. _Screw the rules, you are important too._

“When will I stop lying to myself?” Alec sighed.

There was a knock at the door, and Alec bolted upwards, at attention. _Magnus?_ He thought, looking expectantly at the door before a small envelope slid under it. 

Alec stood up and retrieved the envelope. It had his name on it in fancy cursive red letters. Carefully, he opened it. 

_Alexander, it has been too long. You and I need to have a little chat. Come meet me at the abandoned City Hall Subway Station when you’re ready._

_Signed, Camille_

Alec made a choking noise. Immediately, he crumpled up the paper and threw it at the far wall. “I want nothing to do with you.” Alec rasped, as if Camille would hear or care. He ripped the envelope to shreds.

Alec wrapped his arms around himself. “Today has not been a good day.”

Alec flopped back on the bed, face down into the pillow. He managed to get one leg under the sheets before he couldn’t care anymore, and just lay there in an odd position. 

Alec had tried many times before to explain or excuse his parent’s behavior. They were stressed, they were having a bad day, he had been in the wrong place at the wrong time, it wasn’t necessarily their fault. Because he’d been avoiding the truth.

_They hate me. They know I’m broken and they hate me. They hate me they hate me they hate me so why do I love them?_

Alec put his arms over his head as if that would protect him from something. He realized his chest was shaking and he didn’t let the tears fall.

—

“Raphael Santiago, you have the _worst_ timing in the world!” Magnus yelled, storming through the Dumort. “Do you know how a, embarrassing, b, _dangerous,_ it is to be in the middle of summoning a demon when your _phone rings._ And then when I’m done and I answer your voicemail you tell me _Alec got hurt.”_

“Bane, _Dios_ , listen to yourself.” Raphael muttered, following Magnus at a safe distance. “Your small Nephilim is fine.”

“If he’s not I’ll murder everyone in this building.” Magnus hissed, pulling his cloak around himself and continuing to carry his dark mood through the hotel. One or two vampires peaked out from the shadows to look, but he glared at them with full warlock power, eyes burning, and they scampered away. 

“The Daylighter brought him here. Your Nephilim couldn’t have survived in the mundane world. I think he barely understands traffic lights.”

“Alexander is a very intelligent Shadowhunter who would do just fine on his own.”

“He ran into a mugger.” Raphael deadpanned. “Literally.”

“That was not his fault.” Magnus waved his hand dismissively and stood before the door Raphael had directed him to. “This one?”

“Yes.” Raphael pulled an old fashioned key out of his jacket and unlocked the door. Alec was asleep on a rickety bed, only half under the sheets, bruised skin showing, bloody shirt hanging off of his frame. Magnus kneeled beside him, hearing the faint rasp of his breathing. Raphael crossed his arms. “Why do you people always bring him here when he gets hurt? I don’t care what happens to him.”

Magnus looked up momentarily. “If it’s too much of a problem I can take him to Jocelyn’s or my-”

“ _Dios_ , quiet, you’ll wake him up.” Raphael went over and pulled the cover over Alec, and for a moment Magnus thought it looked like Raphael was tucking him in. He glared at Magnus’s smirk. “He needs rest. Besides, I don’t want him getting mud all over my hotel.”

“Thank you, Raphael.” Magnus smiled softly. “For everything.”

“It will _not_ become a habit.” Raphael promised. “Now, I have things to do, and your heart eyes are making me ill.” He shut the door behind him as he left, not loud enough to be a slam. 

Magnus put his head on the bed, closing his eyes. “Hey.” He whispered.

A few moments later, Magnus heard a reply. “Hey.” Magnus looked up and smiled at Alec. “Now how long have you been awake?”

“Not long.” Alec gave a large yawn. “I think Raphael actually likes me a lot more than he lets on.”

“Not as much as I do.” Magnus laughed quietly. He reached out to push Alec’s hair out of his eyes, and Alec smiled and let him. “I… I ran away.”

“So I’ve heard. You can stay with me.” 

“Does it… bother you? That Camille is out there?” Alec asked. 

“Why should it? I pushed her out of my life a long time ago.”

“She tried to contact me.”

Magnus resisted the urge to growl. “She needs to back off and keep her dirty paws away from you.”

Alec snorted and sat up, giving another yawn. “Have we made any progress on Jace?”

“No, I’m sorry.” 

“Could you track him through our bond? That’s a thing, right?”

“Alec.” Magnus said carefully. “If something is really blocking your bond, tracking Jace through it could hurt you.”

“So? We need to find him before-”

“And Jace.” Magnus finished. 

Alec looked down. Magnus continued. “Jace is a priority, believe me. I want him back almost as much as you do. But not if it hurts you. We will find him, I promise.”

“Okay.” Alec sighed. “Thanks for being here.”

“Always.” Alec gave a contented hum, and grabbed Magnus’s hand. Magnus stood up and Alec made room for him on the bed. Magnus grinned and lay next to him. Alec yawned one more time and lay snuggled against Magnus. 

“You’re warm.” Alec mumbled, closing his eyes. Magnus wrapped his arms around him. “I’ve got you. I won’t let anything bad happen to you.”

_If I just lay here, if I just lay here. Would you lie with me and just forget the world?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the ending is what happens when you listen to Chasing Cars as you write
> 
> over and over again


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yah okay so some slight torture this chapter yay

It was well past sundown and Raphael had been snapped at three separate times. Now he was leaning against the wall of his room, with Simon sprawled on the bead reading a book. "You never answered my question." Simon said offhandedly, turning a page.

"What question?"

"Why did you let Alec stay? Not that I'm complaining, but-"

"Shut up." Raphael muttered, crossing his arms. In truth, the Nephilim child had grown on him, and since it made Simon happy... ack, he was weak.

"He can't stay any longer. A vampire den is not a safe place for a son of Circle members. I have to go get him and Bane."

"I'll go with you for moral support. You've had a long day." Simon sat his book down and got up, doing the cute smile thing. Raphael ignored the burst of affection in his chest.

Raphael crossed himself before opening the door. Magnus and Alec were sleeping together in the most innocent sense of the word, Alec curled into Magnus's chest, Magnus's arms wrapped around his waist. Raphael sighed deeply. "You're kidding me."

"Do you have a camera around here somewhere?" Simon asked.

Raphael smirked. "As much as I'd like blackmail against Bane, they can't stay. I don't want anyone hurting Alec." He went over and not so gently shook Magnus awake. "Your Nephilim can't stay."

Magnus sleepily blinked his eyes open, hugging Alec's sleeping form closer. "Don't wake him up." Magnus yawned. "Raphael, thank you. For taking care of him."

 _No problem._ "I've been yelled at by several angry vampires. Go now before someone tries to eat your precious Nephilim."

\---

Alec woke up on Magnus’s couch, with a blanket half thrown onto him. Magnus was in the kitchen, drinking coffee. “Welcome back, Sleeping Beauty.”

Alec yawned and snuggled under the blanket. “Raphael said some idiots were getting uptight about you being in the Dumort so here we are.” Magnus frowned and set his coffee down. “What’s wrong?”

“What? I’m fine.”

“Well, you are fine, but I think we may be using different definitions of that word.” Magnus went to sit by him. Alec drew himself into a sitting position and leaned against Magnus, and let Magnus pet his hair. “Something’s wrong. I can sense it.”

“Is it… is it wrong I kinda want to go back?” Alec murmured. “Is it wrong I still want to make them proud? Is it wrong to still love them?”

“Alexander. You’ve lived with them your whole life, they raised you, and your brain is hardwired to love them.” Magnus pulled Alec close. “They did a crappy job of taking care of you. You were neglected and abused, and I am so freaking relieved you are not there anymore. That you’re here instead.”

“I… I don’t know.” Alec sighed. “I’m confused. I feel guilty.”

“It’s alright. There’s-“

Alec kissed him to shut him up.

\---

Alec spent the entire next day scouring Downworld for a way to find Jace. And he found nothing. But apparently Clary did.

“Are you sure it was him?” Alec asked desperately.

“I’m telling you, Jace was in the Institute library with Sebastian. He was a little distant acting, but he responded pretty positively to anything Sebastian said.”

“Do you think Sebastian’s threatening him?”

“It could be.” Clary admitted. “But the reason I was in the library is-“

Alec stopped listening when he spotted a vampire subjugate striding towards him. “Oh-“ Alec muttered a word Magnus has taught him. “I gotta go.”

“What?”

“Um, Shadowhunter stuff. Leave me a message.” Alec hung up as quick as he could and turned to the unhealthy looking subjugate. “What are you doing here?”

“Lady Camille requests your presence.”

Alec gulped. “No. I don’t want to.”

“She has a way for you to be with the warlock _forever_.”

“Either by dark magic or vampirism, and neither option is appealing.” Alec snapped. “Now leave me alone.”

“There is another way.”

“Leave me alone.” Alec glanced at the sky. Almost sundown. _How did it get so late so soon?_

“Really, the Lady insists.” The subjugate grabbed Alec’s wrist. His skin crawled uncomfortably as the subjugate’s cold skin touched him. Alec tried to pull away, but the subjugate dragged him away.  

\---

Camille was draped across a couch in the City Hall Subway Station that had been abandoned for years. She seemed to have moved in. She smiled at Alec. “Darling angel, hello.” She waved her hand dismissively at her subjugate. He bowed and left.

Alec shuffled uncertainly. “What am I doing here?” He asked, and his voice was braver than he felt.

Camille stood up slowly, and paced towards him, movements calm and controlled. Alec shied away as she reached her fingers towards his jawline. “Don’t touch me. Just tell me why I’m here.”

“You’ve rejected all my options of becoming immortal- but have you considered the alternative?”

“I’m done with this conversation.” Alec said and walked towards the door.

Camille was suddenly in front of him, and had her hand on his chest. “Your heartbeat is fast. You’re scared.”

“Can I please go?” Alec hated the way his voice trembled.

“Save your pleas for someone that cares.” Camille made a show of yawning, her fangs out and sharp. Alec didn’t like the way she was staring at him. “You won’t become immortal- but what about making Magnus _mortal_?”

“No. Never.” Alec grit his teeth and took a step backwards. Somehow he hit a wall. Camille’s hair spilled over her shoulders as she tilted her head. Her hand was holding his wrist, like she was taking his pulse. “Get away from me.”

“Darling angel, you came too unprepared.” Camille whispered. She raised his wrist to an inch away from her fangs. Alec jerked to the side and hit her in the back of the head. She fell to the ground, and in a final, almost petty, move of revenge, dragged him down with her. Alec hit his head hard against the stone wall and the world broke.

Camille stood up and glared down at him. At least he thought so. His vision was shattered with lights. “You’re bleeding.” She said, voice disembodied and too loud in Alec’s ears. She leaned down and touched the side of his head. Her fingers came away a little red.

Alec attempted to get away, standing up, but his head was killing him. The world was spinning. He fell onto his knees. Camille was leaning over him and took his arm. She traced the skin up from his wrist to his shoulder, then his neck. When Camille leaned down, Alec shoved her as hard as he could and went for one last dash for freedom. She stumbled backwards, but then simply glared at him. “I was going to be gentle, you know.”

 _I know what gentle is and you are not him._ Alec thought in between shattering flashes of lights and buzzes of invisible noise. Alec twisted away from her as best he could, and she grabbed him by the shoulders and shoved him against the wall. Her fangs were out and sharp and long and sharp. She smiled and bit him.

Fire-like pain laced up and down Alec’s neck. He tried to scramble away, but Camille had him trapped trapped _trapped._

All of a sudden the pain started to dull. Alec remembered a part of the Shadowhunter’s Codex- _after the initial sting of a vampire bite, the poison contained within vampire saliva dulls the victim’s pain and may make the experience pleasurable for the victim._

 _I am not a victim!_ Alec screamed to the air and his own mind. He started to feel almost sleepy. _I am_ not _a victim._

Camille backed off, blood running down her chin. Her lips were scary red. “Now that wasn’t so bad, was it?”

“Get away.” Alec whispered. “Get away from me.”

“I haven’t had Nephilim blood in a long time.” Camille looked at his wrist. “Do you know what it’s like? It tastes like _fire_ , and _sunlight_ , and it leaves a _burning_ sensation in the back of your throat. It’s like an addiction- the only way to make it better is to have more.”

Alec was shaking. Camille stepped back and gestured to the door. “You’re free to go.”

Alec closed his eyes and tried his best to keep from hurling. His head hurt- a concussion, definitely –and his legs felt like they wouldn’t support him. He was keeping his shaky hands on the wall to keep from falling over; he was in no condition to move. Camille hadn’t been neat- he could feel a tear in his neck, and blood was spilling onto his shoulder. So add “severe blood loss” to the list of things that wouldn’t let him leave.

Camille wiped the blood- his blood –off her chin and made a show of licking her fingers clean. “What? Are you not even going to say anything? Cat got your tongue?” She laughed.

“Why?” Alec asked softly, just to know. Just to know.

“Because your death will hurt Magnus oh so much.” Camille leaned up and pushed his hair out of his face. “And I think I’m entitled to have a little fun with you before you die. You mortals die so easily.”

She went over to her couch and pulled a knife out from under the cushion. Letting light bounce off of it, she held it up to Alec’s face. She took his right hand, held it palm up to her, looked at it critically and cut a red stripe across it, a little above the elbow. She traced the blade down his arm, at least having the decency to skip the tendons in his elbow, maybe so she wouldn’t damage any nerves so he could still feel everything, which was debatable mercy, and made another cut. Blood streamed down Alec’s arm like fast moving rivers, but Camille kept tracing cuts down Alec’s arm until she reached his wrist. Then she raised it to her mouth and drank, her fangs sinking in.

Alec’s hand was trembling in hers. She looked at him with blank, faked pity. “You poor damaged thing.” She tutted and went on to his other arm. Alec could barely see straight. His head spun and his pulse was rapidfire going off with weak flutters. His breath came in soft pants- or more like it _didn’t_ come. He couldn’t breathe. It hurt. Everything hurt.

When Camille let go of him, Alec fell to the ground, the world spinning as he collided with the floor. He closed his eyes as she laughed above him. “You’re such a great Shadowhunter.” She mocked.

Alec knew he couldn’t walk, so he tried dragging himself away, but every flicker of movement sent his bloody arms into protest. He let out a small sob of pain.

“Any last requests?” Camille taunted.

“I want… to die on… my feet.” Alec coughed. _Please just let me die on my feet._

“You can die on your feet if you can stand up.”

Alec tried. Alec failed. He curled into a small ball and waited for Camille to kill him.

“I’m not done with you yet, darling angel.” She laughed and grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and dragged him outside. “Magnus Bane is going to find you dead in an alley with a bloody blade in your grip.”

Alec felt something burn on his back. A rune, for blood replacement, that only activated when it was needed.

When the amount of blood being lost was nearing fatal.

Alec coughed and felt tears streak his face. Camille threw her head back and laughed at him, dragging him out into the moonlight. She dropped him unceremoniously in an alley, and shoved the handle of her knife into his limp hand so it gave a semblance of him holding it. Alec tried to drop it, or stab her, or something, but she stroked his cheek. “Shh…” She cooed, and her eyes sparkled with the vampire _encanto._

Camille’s head went up. Footsteps. She vanished and the last thing Alec heard was a very loud exclamation with a lot of swearing.

\---

Magnus’s phone oh-so rarely rang with the particular ringtone that mean Raphael Santiago. And when Raphael called, he wasn’t messing around. Magnus answered immediately this time. “What’s wrong?”

“Your Nephilim.” Raphael said simply. Magnus grabbed his coat off the couch. “What happened to Alec?”

“Come quick. Well… he needs a warlock.”

“What happened to Alec?” Magnus demanded, already forming a Portal with one hand.

“Elliot found him bleeding out in an alley.” Raphael snapped. “With cuts past his elbows.”

Magnus swore and hung up, finishing his Portal. Raphael was waiting for him outside the Dumort, the moonlight reflecting off his jacket. “Hurry up, Bane. I’ve bandaged him up as best I can, but I am no user of magic.”

Magnus felt numb. “Where is he?”

“I hid him away from anyone who might lose their self-control around a passed out and bloody boy.” Raphael pulled out a key, unlocked a door, and opened it carefully.

Alec was leaning against the far wall, eyes closed, hair hanging in front of his face. Bloody bandages wrapped around his arms, from his wrists to almost his shoulders. He looked dead, and the thought terrified Magnus more than anything else in his entire life. There was a strangled scream, and it took Magnus more than a few moments to realize it had been himself. Raphael had to hold him back to keep from throwing himself at Alec.

“Bane- _Magnus_!” Raphael yelled in his ear. “He’s breathing! He’s breathing you idiot!”

“Alec!” Magnus made the strangled sound again, like his heart was slowly getting torn out of his body through his throat. Raphael let him go, and Magnus scraped his knees when he fell beside Alec. He was breathing, barely barely. Magnus held one of his hands.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” Raphael muttered darkly. “He’s lost a lot of blood. Don’t unwrap those bandages or he’ll bleed to death all over my carpet.”

“What did I do wrong?” Magnus croaked, selfishly and desperately assuming it was his fault. Then he could blame and punish himself. He set his head on Alec’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry.”

“He’s lost too much blood, Bane.” Raphael interjected Magnus’s mourning. “He needs to replace what he’s lost.”

Magnus closed his eyes and snapped his fingers. “There. Blood replacement spell. That should help.”

“Let him wake up on his own time.” Raphael warned.

“I can’t heal cuts through bandages.”

“Be careful. I don’t need a warlock going on a murdering spree because his lover died.” Raphael left them alone.

Magnus was extremely careful as he unwrapped the bandages slowly, stopping to heal cuts. He was only halfway done with the first arm when Alec stirred, and started to tug away from him, whimpering slightly.

“Hey. Please, hold still.” Magnus breathed, and Alec relaxed, recognizing his voice. He nodded and coughed weakly. Magnus spotted something on Alec’s neck and stood up, eyes blazing with cold fury. “Raphael!” He yelled.

Magnus’s friend came in. “Something wrong?”

“Someone bit him. A _vampire._ ” Magnus hissed.

Raphael narrowed his eyes. “Are you accusing me or my most trusted people? Elliot says he found him like that.”

“Then who-“

“Camille.” Magnus looked down. Alec’s voice was barely there. “It… was Camille. She…”

“Hush.” Magnus fretted as Alec broke into a coughing fit. He looked up with broken blue eyes. “Water?”

“I’ll get water.” Raphael said quietly.

“Save your voice.” Magnus kneeled back down beside Alec, continuing to heal him. There were more bite marks on the inside of his wrist. Magnus tried not to growl. _I hate her._

Raphael came back with a cold bottle of water, which Alec gulped down. “I want her dead.” Magnus said, voice trembling with rage but he tried to keep it soft. He always tried to keep it soft around Alec.

“Are you sure?” Alec rasped, rubbing at the bandages around his wrists and arms. “I know you used to love her.” He sounded like something important had been taken out of him. Magnus’s blood boiled.

“Used to being the operative phrase.” Magnus fought back bitter memories. “She hurt you. I want her dead. Raphael?”

“I’ve wanted Camille dead for a long time, Bane.” The vampire said, looking on at the two. “About time you got with the program.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes i took out the whole jace/sebastian possession thing because I'm lazy and this story is not about them


	4. Chapter 4

Raphael was getting Alec more water, and Magnus was trying to come up with as many ways to murder Camille Belcourt as he could. He could be quite creative when he needed to be.

He was thinking of all the ways he could stake her through her cold, dead heart when Alec started shivering. "Are you okay?" Magnus asked, getting closer without actually touching him.

"I'm fine." Alec coughed. "Just... light headed."

Magnus swore. "Concussion. I should have thought of that earlier. I am so sorry-" Magnus placed his hand on Alec's hot forehead, sweat sticking to his fingers. His hands lit up with a quick blue spell, and he started to pull away.

Alec gently held him by the wrist. "Don't go." He begged, and held Magnus's hand to his face like it was something worth protecting, or keeping safe.

Magnus smiled and whispered. "Wouldn't dream of it, Alexander." Alec relaxed, and Magnus spotted the ragged gash on his neck, where Camille bit him. It was messier than most vampire bites he'd seen before, more like a cut that two neat puncture wounds, already bruised slightly. Magnus looked at Alec, and asked. "Can I kiss you?"

Alec nodded, and Magnus kissed the body mark on his neck. Alec winced, and Magnus immediately backed off. "Sorry. Sorry, sorry-"

"No, it's fine." Alec managed. "I liked it, but... ow."

"What did she do to you?" Magnus whispered, leaning against Alec.

"All of it." Alec's voice trembled. "The cuts... the bites... the concussion..."

"I'm an idiot." Magnus muttered, and stood up. "I'll be right back. I'm just going to see Raphael."

Alec nodded and closed his eyes, looking almost dead. Magnus swallowed hard and went to find his friend.

\---

Raphael was being yelled at by a group of vampires. The leader of the group was a young blonde named Laurel, with his girlfriend Linda and their friend Harry. "He's killed members of our clan!" Laurel yelled at Raphael.

"Only the ones that broke the Law." Raphael said coolly. "The boy has never harmed a Law abiding vampire, or anyone who obeys the Law for that matter."

"Your precious Law doesn't say we have to give shelter to that Shadowhunter every time he gets a scrape!" Harry interjected, and Linda nodded. Laurel looked incredibly full of himself.

"But _I_ do. Tell me." Raphael took a step forward, eyes blazing. "Do you really want to upset me?"

Laurel crossed his arms and huffed. "You're just keeping an eye on him because of your warlock friend, Bane. Bane's keeping the Shadowhunter as a boy-toy decoration for his apartment, and you want to make nice with Bane."

"I am offended on Magnus's behalf that you seem to think he is incapable of emotions." Raphael hissed. "You know, those things that people have if they're not completely heartless? You may be a vampire, but you still have a soul. I still have a soul. And if you think I will turn Alec out to the mercy of New York, or God forbid, the _Clave_ , than you are wrong."

Laurel growled. "Maybe you won't, but I will. I will march into that room, and toss him into the streets. Quite literally."

"Are you challenging my leadership?" Raphael growled back. Laurel ignored him and continued. "He's a Lightwood! They were in the Circle! No good will come from Circle members. Especially Circle members in our home!"

"What's going on?" Magnus turned the corner, concern on his face, looking oblivious to the situation. Raphael looked up at him. "Nothing." He said at the same time Harry said, "Your boy-toy can't stay here."

Magnus blinked. "My what? I'm sorry? Raphael?" His eyes and voice were pitiful, betrayed.

"Ignore the idiots." Raphael glared at them. "I will deal with you later, when I don't have a dying Nephilim child to take care of." He looked back at Magnus and shoved the now warm water bottle into his hands. "Come on."

"I never meant to cause so much trouble." Magnus muttered as they walked away and Laurel's group sulked off. "I'm sorry-"

"It's not your fault some people don't know how to be people." Raphael shrugged. "They can't see past the fact that he's a Shadowhunter- and was the only one in the city for a long time. He has a reputation."

"Does reputation match reality?" Magnus asked.

Raphael snorted. "If it did we'd both be dead." He swung open the door.

Alec was standing, and rubbing at a spot on his collarbone, where his parabatai rune sat. "I miss Jace." He said to no one, not making eye contact with anyone. "There's a _reason_ parabatai aren't supposed to be seperated."

"We'll get him back." Magnus promised, voice soft. Alec nodded without hearing, and Magnus went to be closer to him. Raphael resisted the urge to sigh. In a room, they naturally gravitated towards each other.

"Can you walk?" Magnus asked Alec. "Do we need to get a cab? I can always carry you to my place."

"I can walk." Alec said. Even half dead and drained of blood, he managed to sound indignant.

"What? You don't have to leave." Raphael said, trying not to sound too sad. Magnus and him made eye contact.

_I only want Alec to be safe._

Raphael thought about Laurel's threats to throw Alec into the streets and shuddered inwardly. _I understand._  

"I couldn't impede on your lovely hospitality any longer, really." Magnus said cheerfully. "Come along, Alec."

\---

Alec slept on Magnus's couch because he didn't want to keep him up all night with constant kicking and thrashing and whimpering. He woke up in a cold sweat several times, his arms throbbing, and visions of icy fangs still fresh in his mind. Each nightmare was worse than the last.

In the current one, Camille was leaving slices up and down his arms and laughing. "Darling angel." She cooed as Alec threw up, hugging his stomach with torn-to-shreds arms. "You're never going to get your precious parabatai back. Now, you want to die on your feet? Then get up!"

Alec forced himself to his knees, and looked up at her, panting, arms burning, light headed. "Help me." He rasped.

"You want to die on your feet." She taunted him. "But look! You're already dead."

Alec looked down at freshly cut wrists and found it was true.

He woke up with a scream that tore his throat raw, bolting upwards and his head smacked into Magnus's. The warlock recoiled, and rubbed his head ruefully. "Ow." He said petulantly.

"Wha...?" Alec coughed, hugging himself and drawing the blanket on him around himself until he felt safe. His arms itched- the bandages Magnus had wrapped around his cuts last night were bloody.

"I think Camille used a knife made of demon metal." Magnus whispered. "That's why they're taking longer to heal."

"How long?"

"If you would agree to sit still all day, I could do one last spell and you could take the bandages off now." Magnus bit his lip. "Since that's obviously not going to happen, it'll be one more day."

"Not too bad." Alec shrugged and held out his arms. "Magnus... thank you. For everything."

"Don't thank me." Magnus muttered darkly as he traced healing magic down Alec's arms. "I'm the reason you got hurt."

"This isn't your fault." Alec insisted. "You're the one helping me."

"If I was a better boyfriend, or even a better friend, I wouldn't have let her get you in the first place. I wouldn't have immediately assumed-" Magnus stopped himself.

Alec bit his lip. "It's not your fault. None of this. Now have you seen my stele?"

"No. Why?"

"Ah, dangit." Alec muttered. "I have a blood replacement rune on my back, but it needs to be replaced after this. I don't feel comfortable without it."

"You walk around with a blood replacement rune all day?" Magnus tilted his head.

"I nearly died to a rogue vampire when I was 12." Alec said, rubbing his wrist. "After that, I like to keep one on me."

"Well," Magnus attempted to smile. "It certainly saved your life here."

"And now it's worn away, and needs to be replaced." Alec hung his head. "I need my stele."

Magnus understood in a heartbeat. "You are not going back to the Institute! You are still seriously low on blood, and those cuts on your arms need time to heal!"

"A blood replacement rune would get me back on my feet faster."

"You are on your feet."

"Magnus, you practically dragged me here last night because I couldn't see straight." Alec sighed.

"Jocelyn." Magnus said suddenly.

"What?"

"Jocelyn would have a stele. And while we're there, we can talk to Clary about the search for Jace. Two birds, one stone."

Alec blinked. "That's not a bad idea."

"Thank you. Now, you are in no condition for a Portal." Magnus stood up, and held out his hand to help Alec up. Alec took his hand, keeping his blanket wrapped around himself. "Taxi sound good?"

"If you can get one." Alec laughed. "It is New York, after all."

\---

Jocelyn had immediately herded Magnus and Alec into the kitchen, calling for Luke to get a stele. Alec slumped in his seat, rubbing the bandages around his arms. Magnus was sitting up, back straight and attentive. He kept glancing at Alec.

Luke came into the kitchen with a silvery stele in one hand, the other in his pocket. "Do you mind me asking what happened?"

"Camille Belcourt happened." Magnus stood up. "Luke, is it possible for your wolves to keep an eye out for her?"

"I can have them actively searching for her." Luke nodded. "She did this to Alec?"

"Can people please stop talking about me like I'm not here?" Alec called out, crossing his arms. Magnus shot him an apologetic look. Luke handed him the stele. "Um... I don't feel comfortable Marking myself here. Sorry to be a burden." Alec stood up, and pushed his hair out of his face. "Can I borrow a spare room, or..."

"It's fine." Jocelyn assured him. "Clary's not here at the moment, so you can use her room."

Alec nodded, and walked off, head bowed. After a few seconds debate, Magnus followed him, and Alec didn't say anything about it.

\---

Alec put his head against Clary’s wall and tried not to yell in frustration. For the tenth time, he tried to twist himself into a position to put on the rune, but his arms burned when he moved them, and trying to hold up his shirt with one hand while drawing with the other wasn’t as easy as it seemed.

“I’m useless.” Alec muttered and angrily threw Jocelyn’s stele across the room. “I can’t even put on a rune.”

“Hey, it’s an awkward place to put a rune.” Magnus said, getting up from where he’d been sitting on Clary’s bed and playing with her pencils. He retrieved the stele and handed it back to Alec. “I’ll help you.”

“How? You can’t draw runes.” Alec sighed. _I’m an utter failure of a Shadowhunter._

Magnus gently put his hands on Alec’s waist. “Is this okay?” Alec nodded and Magnus smiled a little, reassuringly. “I was thinking I could hold your shirt while you drew the rune.”

Alec raised an eyebrow. “Because you have no ulterior motives at all.”

“Me? Never!” Magnus laughed.

“Alright.” Alec twisted into an odd position, red splotching the bandages along his arms as he tried to draw the blood replacement rune. It was actually a lot easier with Magnus helping.

All of a sudden, Jocelyn walked in. “I just got word from Si-“ She stopped. Magnus and Alec froze. Alec was acutely aware that his shirt was half off, and he and Magnus were pressed pretty close together.

“Boys.” Jocelyn said, sounding exasperated.

“This isn’t what it looks like.” Magnus said quickly, letting go of Alec and taking a step back. Alec finished off his rune and shoved his shirt down, face red.

“You were, uh, saying something, Ms. Fairchild?” Alec stuttered.

Jocelyn sighed. “Come into the kitchen.”

“Okay.” Magnus shrugged.

\---

Luke was in the kitchen, pacing. “There you are.” He breathed. “Look, Simon just called. He said he’d be over as quick as he could, but-“

“Did something happen to Clary?” Alec asked. _Nonono not her too!_

“In a way.” Luke admitted. “She went with Jace and Sebastian.”

“What!” Magnus yelped. “Biscuit, I’m coming to rescue you!”

“Is she absolutely insane?” Alec demanded.

“Simon has a way to contact her!” Jocelyn shushed them both. “Some sort of magic ring.”

Alec groaned. “That’s why she was in the Institute library. Fantastic. Faerie rings.”

“Simon will be in constant contact with Clary.” Jocelyn assured. “She can help us get Jace back.”

Alec tapped his fingers on the table. “It should be me. It should be me, risking my life to get Jace back, not her. It should be me-“

“Alexander Lightwood, if you go after her I will not hesitate to handcuff you to my bed.” Magnus crossed his arms.  

“Jace is _my_ parabatai and I can’t do anything!” Alec yelled. “I can’t do anything! I apparently can’t even fight off one vampire when my life depends on it!”

“Stop yelling in my house!” Jocelyn demanded, and they both fell silent. Luke raised his hand. “There’s chocolate cake on the counter.”

“Yes. Cake. Who wants cake?” Jocelyn went to get cake.

Magnus looked down. “I’m sorry for yelling at you.”

Alec hit the back of his head. “Ow!” Magnus rubbed his head. “That hurt! What was that for?”

“You said if you ever hurt me, for me to understand it was an accident, and then to feel free to whack you upside the head.” Alec shrugged. “Both steps complete.”

Magnus sighed. “You know I wouldn’t _actually_ lock you up. I just… you are in no condition to go chasing Sebastian freaking Morgenstern.”

“I know, but I just feel so _useless._ ” Alec sighed. He was rubbing the bandages around his wrist again, actually starting to undo the bandages. He put his head in his hands. “I can’t run, I can’t fight, I can’t put on runes, I’m a sorry excuse for a Shadowhunter and I should just go home. I should just go home.”

Jocelyn came back with four pieces of cake balanced on her hands and arms and the plates. She gave cake to Luke first, then Alec, then herself. Then she put the other piece at an empty spot. Magnus shot her a glare, and moved to the seat with cake. “Is this because I yelled in your house?”

“It’s because that was for Simon.”

“Simon can’t eat cake.” Magnus pointed out.

“It’s the thought that counts.” Alec laughed slightly.

“Simon will not mind if I eat his cake.” Magnus said. “Please don’t go home Alec. You need to be somewhere- my place -where someone- me –can heal you.”

“Fine.” Alec poked at his cake. “But on one condition- you find a way for me to participate in the search for Jace instead of just sitting here.”

“Deal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> or the one where i wrote half of it while sleep deprived and the other half when I didn't care
> 
> does this chapter even make sense????


	5. Chapter 5

Alec tapped his fingers on the table, staring at a notch in the wood. "Parabatai tracking." He said finally. "Can we try it?"

"Alec." Magnus's voice hitched in his throat. " _No_. Your bond is being blocked by dark magic and this could seriously hurt you!"

"I'm not going to just sit here!" Alec lowered his voice at Jocelyn's glare. "I need to feel like I'm doing something to help find Jace. So far, I've ran away from home and nearly gotten killed. My parabatai is missing, and I want him back, and I'm going to do whatever it takes to get him back. So I need to know, Magnus... are you with me?"

"Alexander..."

"It's a yes or no question, Magnus." Alec didn't growl. He was not going to growl at Magnus. "Are you with me?"

"I'm with you." Magnus said carefully. "But we will find a way to find Jace that doesn't involve you getting hurt."

"Jace is the most important thing!" Alec yelped. "I'm a lost cause!"

"No you are not." Magnus reached over, looking for Alec's permission to take his hand. Alec laced their fingers together. "Jace is a priority. Jace is _the_ priority. I swear it. But you don't have to hurt yourself to get him back."

"Clary and Simon will keep us updated." Luke promised. "Jace will be home before you know it."

Alec nodded and tried to ignore the sense of hopelessness welling up in his chest.

The doorbell rang. Jocelyn stood up. “That must be Simon. I’ll get it.”

Luke nodded at her, and then looked at Alec. “Valentine used to be my parabatai.” He said carefully. “And I know what it’s like to be separated from that person- once, Valentine went on a weeklong visit to Kenya, and the whole time it felt like my heart was being slowly tugged out of my chest. And that was when I knew he was safe and would return soon. I can’t imagine the depth of pain you’re in right now.”

“It’s not… always pain, per se.” Alec waved his hands around as he talked. “It’s more like a constant ache, and every once in a while there’s this little jolt and they can last from a few seconds to hours and they hurt and they’re reminding me how badly I’m failing the person I share half my soul with.”

Luke nodded understandingly. “You feel if you’re not directly helping, you’re useless. And then you feel you need to do something or you’re not worth having around.”

“Aren’t I?” Alec sighed as Jocelyn came back into the room with Simon. He brightened the atmosphere. “I smell cake.”

“You can’t eat cake.” Magnus pointed out. Simon gave a small frown and sat down. “Any word from Clary?” Alec asked. Simon paused and tilted his head to the side before speaking.

“She says she’s with Jace and Sebastian. Sebastian tried doing some weird bond ritual, but it only half worked. Jace does what Sebastian says but puts up resistance and obviously doesn’t like it.”

Alec gripped Magnus’s hand so hard he started to worry he would break something. “Is he hurt?”

“Clary says he just has a few bruises. She’s alone in her room- they’re in some kind of weird apartment and Sebastian has some kind of plan he’s not telling her.”

 _But I don’t care about that!_ Alec wanted to screech. _Let the Clave worry about Sebastian- I want my parabatai back!_ He was definitely going to break Magnus’s hand if he kept squeezing. Alec didn’t want to let go, but he loosened his grip just a little.

“Please, Simon.” Alec begged. “Angel, I never thought I’d say this, but keep talking.”

\---

Alec couldn't sleep that night, so he kept staring out the window at the city below and beyond. Alec was sitting on the couch, with Chairman Meow sleeping on top of him. Magnus was asleep, and probably thought Alec was still in bed. Really, his chest felt tight, and his conversation with Luke and Simon and Magnus and the whole day kept coming back. Alec grit his teeth and pushed the cat off of him. The Chairman meowed in protest as he was shoved aside and onto the cold couch.

Alec shoved his hands in his pockets and walked into the kitchen. He knew... he knew there were knives there. He knew. _I can’t do anything._

He grabbed the side of the counter with both hands, body shaking. "No." He rasped to himself. "No no no, you were doing better. You were finally getting over it all. Don't. Don't."

Alec closed his eyes. _No. You were healing. You were getting better. Don't don't don't but I want Jace. I can't do anything useful and I need to do something and I just can't but don't don't don't. I deserve to be punished, and if no one else is going to do it for me…_

Alec gulped and reached into the drawer, shakily pulling out a knife. Not the dagger he usually used, but...

 _DON'T._ A voice in his head screamed.

Alec shoved the knife back into the drawer and put his head in his hands, breathing unevenly. "Fine." He hissed, stepping away. “Fine.”

Alec sat down on the floor, back against the wall, shaking. “Fine fine fine.”

Alec reached up and touched his parabatai rune. “Alright. Fine. I can’t do anything. Maybe I should just sit here so I won’t cause any trouble while everyone else actually helps.”

Chairman Meow padded back up to him and started rubbing against his leg. Alec felt like snapping at the cat to go away, but felt too numb to carry through. Alec started to rub his wrist. Chairman Meow put one of his tiny paws on Alec’s hand, claws sheathed, and looked at him with huge eyes.

Alec gave a sob. The cat mewed and jumped into Alec’s lap, curling into Alec’s stomach. “I just want to go one day without being a burden.” Alec choked out. “Just _one day_.”

Alec grabbed his hair in his hands and started to cry. The Chairman didn’t judge him, just cuddled closer. Tears ran down Alec’s face, and he could barely go a minute without a choking sob sucking all the air out of him. He closed his eyes and just cried.

It took Alec a few seconds to register the lights turning on. He blinked open his eyes and saw Magnus kneeling in front of him. _I tried so hard not to wake him up…_

“Bad day?” Magnus asked softly.

“You know it.” Alec managed.

“Arms?” Magnus held out his hand.

Alec held out his arms. “Nothing new.” He whispered.

Magnus gave a ghost of a smile. “Can I stay with you?”

Alec nodded, and Magnus sat directly beside him, their shoulders touching. Alec moved closer to the warmth, the safety. Magnus purred like a cat and wrapped his arms around Alec.

Alec took in a shaky breath, vision still blurry with tears. “I’m scared.” He admitted. “What if we never get him back? What if we lose him _and_ Clary, now that she’s gone after him?”

“Alec, I promise we’re going to save Jace, and nothing is going to happen to Clary.” Magnus mumbled with a yawn. Alec yawned back, and Magnus smiled at him.

“You can go back to sleep.” Alec told him.

“But you’re too bony to be a good pillow.” The words made it clear. _I’m not leaving you._

“I love you.” Alec mumbled and snuggled into Magnus.

“I love you too. Goodnight.”

\---

Guilt.

Magnus was leaning against a combination of the kitchen wall and Alec. He wasn’t seeing exactly correctly yet, but it was four something according to the oven clock. Alec was asleep, as was the cat, and Magnus was in the half dozing stage, like Monday mornings without coffee.

Guilt.

Alec was asleep. His eyes were closed, his breathing was even, and he seemed perfectly content to doze with his head in Magnus’s lap. Magnus pet his hair out of his face, and Alec gave a little murmur and snuggled closer.

Guilt.

Chairman Meow was napping on Alec’s stomach, curled into a tiny ball of fluff and warmth. The cat purred.

 _You could have noticed something was wrong sooner._ Magnus chided himself. _It didn’t have to go that far. You’re super great at noticing this stuff, Mags._

Magnus heard a knock at the door. He suppressed a growl, and- careful not to wake Alec up –picked up Alec and set him on the couch. Then he opened the door.

“Sherman.” Magnus said welcomingly.

“Simon.” The vampire corrected. “I have news from Clary.”

“Oh no. Does it concern Jace?” Magnus glanced at Alec.

“No, just Sebastian’s plans.”

“Then if you wake Alec up, I’m going to kill you.” Magnus let Simon in. Simon shuffled nervously and stood in the kitchen. “So what is it?”

“He’s going to create an army using a dark version of the Mortal Cup. Which they already have.”

Magnus swore violently under his breath. Simon looked impressed. “I didn’t know some of those words.”

“This is bad.” Magnus muttered and went to grab his jacket off the arm of the sofa. “Does Raphael know?”

“Yah, and I sent word to Luke.” Simon looked at Magnus as he tugged the jacket on fiercely and started to storm out. “Wait, where are you going?”

“None of your business.” Magnus snapped. “A few people owe me a few favors and it’s time to collect. Just make sure no one tries to murder Alexander while I’m out.”

\---

Alec stirred very slowly, mostly because he didn’t want to. When he did wake up, he regretted it immediately.

Simon was bleeding from a gash on his head and unconscious in the kitchen. Alec scrambled off the couch and rushed to him. It was hard to tell if he was alive, seeing as he was a vampire. Alec's head shot up as he heard a laugh.

"Hello, darling angel." Camille purred as she sauntered down the hallway. "Don't worry about him- he'll live."

Alec scrambled backwards and nearly tripped over Simon. He glanced at the window. There was no sign that the sun would rise soon. "Get the hell away from me."

Camille smirked and in a blur she was right in front of him. She reached a hand towards his neck. Alec snapped, and grabbed her wrist, shoving her against the wall. "If you ever," he hissed at her, "touch me without my consent ever again, I will tie you up and leave you to burn in the sun."

Camille's smile wavered. Alec let her go and stumbled backwards.  _Knives in the drawer._ He thought.  _Not a stake, but..._

"Now, don't think like that." Camille purred, all her confidence back. "I'm here for an honest offer. A deal."

"What kind of deal?" Alec asked, then shook his head. "I don't make deals with people who try to kill me."

"Oh, you'll want to hear this one. It has to do with Maaaaagnuuuus."

"Go away. Now." Alec grabbed a knife and held it out towards Camille. He swore. A butter knife. 

"Oh, you can't be serious." She laughed. "Come along. The sun will be up at any moment, and you wouldn't want my untimely death to interrupt our dealings."

"You are invading my home. Out!"

"Fine." Camille shrugged. "Guess you'll never hear what I have to offer..."

 _Damn my curiosity_. Alec thought. "What do you want?"

"I offer you Magnus Bane." Camille smirked. "How much do you value his life?"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> should i end it like that  
> no
> 
> do i care  
> no
> 
> tehe


	6. Chapter 6

“I’m waiting.” Camille said impatiently. “Answer me. How much is Magnus’s life worth to you? Because the second any harm comes to me, I have operatives placed all around the city. He wouldn’t escape with his life. And it’d be your fault.”

“What do you want from me?” Alec rasped, feeling hollow.

“For starters, put down the knife. Actually, just throw it over there.” Camille gestured to the wall at the far end of the kitchen. Alec took a shaky breath and tossed it gently. The small butter knife made a metallic noise as it clattered to the ground.

Camille grinned, showing fangs. “Good. Now, let’s walk and talk, shall we?”

Alec looked at Simon’s bleeding form. “One second.” He dragged the vampire to Magnus’s couch, and wrote a quick note. Feeling horrible, Alec took a step back.

Camille offered her arm, and Alec ignored her. She huffed and exited the apartment, and Alec followed her with a bowed head.

“There’s a rather nice warehouse just a few blocks away.” Camille chattered with a small, superior smirk.

“I know you need to avoid the sun.” Alec meant to snap, but it came out as a mutter. He hated when his voice did that. “Do whatever you freaking want to me- just don’t hurt Magnus.”

“That’s what I wanted to hear.” Camille laughed. “Come on, darling angel.”

 _Don’t call me that._ Alec thought bitterly, but said nothing. Every sudden move Camille made shot a spike of fear through him. And she knew it. Camille took every opportunity to look back, to stop suddenly, to see Alec flinch.

The warehouse was dark, completely empty, and Alec couldn’t see at all.

So really he shouldn’t have been surprised when he felt the bite of a vampire come down on his neck.

\---

Simon stirred with a massive headache. He groaned at sat up, wondering how he’d gotten on a couch. All he remembered was pain and the floor being a lot harder than anticipated.

Stuck to the table beside him was a note, scrawled in what was definitely Alec’s handwriting.

 _Hey Simon, I just had to go out for a little._  
Errands and all.  
Let Magnus know I’ll be back soon.  
Peace out.

Simon blinked. Alec didn’t seem like the kind of person to say “peace out.” And leaving Simon alone? And Simon passing out was fishy?

Simon read the note again, and stopped, confused. There was definitely enough room to keep going with the sentences, but Alec had practically started a new paragraph with each one. What was the point in that? Was that just how he wrote?

Simon remembered something from a game he’d played once. His character had been a spy, investigating a villain organization, and had received a secret file from a fellow spy. Simon hadn’t understood at first, as the secret file was just expressing gratitude for the spy agency’s director. Simon had found it cheesy, but hey, it was a kid’s game.

Then later in the game he’d gotten a clue. He had to read the first letter of each line, and that had spelled out a secret message, saying how the director couldn’t be trusted. The director had actually turned out to be the head of the enemy organization. Clever!

A slightly sick sensation in his stomach, Simon read the first letter of each line of Alec’s note.

_HELP._

\---

Camille stepped back and looked at the poor, trembling mess of a boy. His blood lined her lips- she licked it off, savoring every drop –and he edged away from her, blundering in the dark.

 _Oh, the poor thing._ She thought gleefully. _I don’t understand how Magnus became so taken with him._

“L-leave me alone.” The Shadowhunter stuttered, but his voice and tone suggested he was terrified. Used to being terrified. Used to being hurt. And he wouldn’t fight back.

“No.” Camille said simply. He whimpered, and with her excellent night vision, she saw him put a hand against the bite mark. “I need you.”

“Why me?” He choked out.

“Why you?” Camille thought out loud. Yes, _why him_? She thought to herself, and smiled when she came up with the perfect answer. “Because if I tried to hurt Magnus myself, he would shrug it off and move on. Even physical harm wouldn’t keep him down for long, and I want him to _suffer_. Magnus has become indifferent to most things. Nothing can make him _care_.”

The Shadowhunter hung his head. Camille should have left it there- she could practically hear his thoughts screaming _so I am nothing_ –but Camille was not finished. She smiled and grabbed him by the chin, holding his head. “Except for you.” She breathed, her voice velvety soft. His eyes were wide, with large dark pupils, the blue barely visible. “You are Magnus Bane’s one weakness. And I plan to exploit that weakness to the very end.”

“You can do whatever you want to me.” He cried out. “Don’t hurt Magnus! Please!”

Something in him broke, and with it his voice. Tears streamed down his face. Camille contemplated shooting him down- a cold no, a call to her operatives, a gunshot and a dead warlock.

“My darling angel child.” Camille purred. “Just hold still.”

She closed her eyes and sank her fangs into his neck. He trembled and went limp, and Camille felt his Shadowhunter blood leave a sort of burn in her mouth. To ease the burn she sank her fangs in deeper, ignoring the Shadowhunter’s soft noise of pain.

This time, she didn’t want to kill him. This time, she just wanted to enjoy the taste of his blood, the pound of his pulse, and the small cries of pain and fear he gave.

Camille always thought a spike of fear added a nice spice to her blood.

\---

The worst part was liking it.

Vampires had a special venom in their saliva that dulled the pain and put the victim into a state of odd happiness and relaxed their muscles. Alec felt he could no longer keep his hands balled into tight fists, and his body betrayed him, going limp so that Camille had to catch him. It was definitely worse than last time. Last time it had been harsh and cold and bloody and painful.

And now Alec was having trouble remembering why he was scared. All he wanted was to close his eyes, even drift off to sleep. It was hard to think.

“Darling angel.” Camille purred, her hair tickling his nose. “You’re so pale.”

Alec closed his eyes.

\---

Magnus growled and tugged at the ropes holding his hands together. “When I get out, you’re going to be sorry.”

The vampire girl holding a gun to his head yawned and Magnus heard the safety click. “Aren’t warlocks supposed to be more exciting?”

“Sorry, I do my best party tricks when I’m not tied up with a gun to my head.” Magnus snapped. “What do you want with me!”

“I’m just supposed to keep you here.” The vampire twirled the gun in her hand, absently clicking the safety on and off. Magnus wished she wouldn’t do that. It was dark and he had no idea where she was pointing that thing. “Boss said so.”

“Who’s the boss?”

“No more questions.”

Magnus tried to stand up and there was a bang. He yelled at the bullet grazed his leg, and he fell back to his seated position on the floor.

“Try that again and the bullet’ll stay in you next time.” The vampire said breezily. Magnus glared in what he thought was her direction, and thought back to the strange chain of events that had happened. He’d just finished summoning a demon to figure out where Sebastian was- and it was a lot harder than it needed to be –and then some vampire jumped him, fangs out.

Magnus slumped against the wall. _If you’re going to kill me, get it over with._ He wanted to hiss.

There was a ringing sound. The vampire girl made a confused noise, and Magnus could see the bright rectangle of a phone screen lighting up the girl’s face in blue. “Ya’lo? Yah, he’s here.”

Magnus strained his hearing, and couldn’t make out anything about the voice on the other side of the phone. All he knew was that the vampire girl’s eyes gleamed as she looked at him. “Where do you want the bullet, Bane?”

“Your dead heart.” Magnus spat. She growled. “Slow death then.”

The door burst open, and someone yelled, “Hey!”

Magnus closed his eyes against the bright dawn.

The vampire shrieked and Magnus could smell ash and heard a _thunk_ as her gun fell to the ground.  

Simon Lewis smiled at him. “You’re welcome.”

Magnus stood up, and immediately fell back to his knees, gritting his teeth. “Hellfire.” He panted, and looked at his bloody leg. He looked back up to Simon. “How’d you find me?”

“Rosemary. You and Alec both reek of it.”

Magnus laughed. It wasn’t a quick laugh. It destroyed the nervous tension in his chest, mostly, and he couldn’t seem to stop. “Never thought I’d be grateful for that dumb plant!”

Simon rushed to him and untied his hands. “Here, lean on me.”

“Did you find Alec?” Magnus asked, using Simon as a crutch.

“No. But I can.” Simon sniffed the air. “We’ll find him.”

Magnus growled to himself and cast a quick healing spell on his leg, mostly to stop the bleeding and pain. “I don’t know what is going on.” Magnus said, rushed. “But I know it’s not good.”

\---

Camille poked at the Shadowhunter. He gave a groan and, besides that, didn’t respond. She huffed. No fun after they stopped whimpering.

She threw him on the ground. He startled awake, eyes opening with a snap and giving a sharp cry. Camille smiled. Much better.

“Listen to me very closely, darling angel.” She purred, and grabbed his chin. “You will do as I say. When I say jump, you jump. I don’t care if you lost a leg, _you jump_.”

He was shaking. Camille smiled sweetly, and whispered. “Do as I say, or you will kill Magnus Bane.” Her eyes glinted. “Even Shadowhunters can fall prey to the _encanto_.”

He shut his eyes, no doubt trying to shut her out. “I’m aware you hate me.” He rasped. “I just didn’t realize how much.”

Camille nearly gave a sharp retort, but she straightened up, dropping the Shadowhunter. He curled into a protective ball, and moved away from her. She heard… something. Dawn was here. She had to go.

She looked at the boy. “Tell no one.”

Then she vanished into the shadows, leaving the Shadowhunter’s rescuers to find him.

\---

 _It’s all just a dream._ Alec thought desperately. _Just some screwed up dream._

Alec heard the door creak open, and someone call out, “Alec!”

_No no no leave me alone._

“Magnus!” Another person yelled, and there was the sound of a body hitting the floor. “-leg.” Alec heard Magnus mutter. “I hate guns.”

_This is not happening._

Alec found himself rubbing his wrist. He was shaking, and the blood replacement rune on his back gave off a warm burn as it worked.

_I hate her._

“Magnus?” He croaked out.

“And Simon.” A voice added. Alec would have rolled his eyes if he didn’t feel so numb. “We’re here to rescue you!”

“Dear God, was this Camille?” Alec forced his eyes open and saw Magnus. He was sitting weird, but maybe that was because of the large blood splotch on his thigh “Bullet wound.” He shrugged. “It’ll heal. Are you okay?”

“Vampire bite. It’ll heal.” Alec managed to sit up. “Better already.” He tried to joke, but he felt cold all over.

He really hated Camille.

“What happened?”

_She threatened me and blackmailed me and now I have a threat hanging over my head- dear Lord Magnus get away from me before I hurt you._

“Obvious, isn’t it?”

“I’m going to rip her throat out.” Magnus swore.

_I couldn’t live with myself if I hurt you._

“Can we just go home?”

_Get away from me._

“Of course.”

_Please don’t let me hurt you._

\---

Alec’s throat felt tight, and the back of his eyes burned. He felt a tear escape him- traitorous tear –and wrapped his arms around himself. He sat on the bottom step, and stared at the sky. The sky was ridiculously pretty.

_I can’t hurt him if he’s not near me._

He bit his lip. _I can’t hurt him._

_He won’t have to deal with me anymore._

_He doesn’t need me._

“Alec?” Alec turned his head to see Magnus hopping down the stairs to him. “You’ve been out here for hours.”

“I’m fine, I’ve just been… thinking.” Alec looked at him, then found it hurt too much, and looked back at the concrete. “And I…”

_Spit it out or don’t do it. Say it or don’t. Keep him safe or be selfish. Break up with him or get him killed!_

“I don’t think this is working.” Alec said in a rush, refusing to look at Magnus as he sat down beside him. “This. This. What is this?”

Magnus did not respond. Now that he’d started, Alec couldn’t stop yammering every lie he’d concocted, with enough truth thrown in to make it hurt even more. “I don’t even feel comfortable calling you my boyfriend.” _You’re so much more._ “The world is practically screaming at our faces to stop.” _But who cares about the world._ “I want you to go.” _I don’t want to hurt you and somehow I thought ripping my heart out would be a better option._

_I can stand your hate but not your death._

Magnus still did not respond. Alec put his head in his hands. “I’m just confused.” Truth. “And scared.” Truth. “And I don’t want to do this anymore.” False.

“Okay.” Magnus said finally. “So you’re not okay with the whole dating thing. That’s fine. If you don’t want to that’s perfectly fine.”

_Screw you for being so reasonable all the time._

“Leave me alone. Please- don’t say anything, just go. Here.” Alec handed Magnus his key to the apartment. “Well, seeing as it’s your house, I have to go.”

“Wait.” Magnus blinked, as if it was just now registering. “You’re cutting me out completely?”

“Yah.” Alec’s voice didn’t waver. His stomach was in knots. “Bye.”

He stood up and walked away and didn’t look back didn’t look back not one time.

Of course, the second he rounded the corner he vomited up the contents of his stomach.

_I think that was the most painful thing I’ve ever done._

\---

Alec almost wandered back there three times before the sun set.

The first time he’d just forgotten what he’d done.

The second he made a wrong turn… or two.

The third time he got the closest, less than a block away, and thought about asking forgiveness.

He didn’t make it any of those times.

\---

It was night and Alec had nowhere to go.

His stomach was still doing flips and tears still stained his face. Something in him hurt, but he couldn’t tell what it was. Probably his heart. Couldn’t you die of a broken heart?

Alec stared at his phone for a long time, a message typed out. His finger hovered over send.

_I’m sorry. Take me back?_

Alec sighed and sent the text to his mother.

Then he threw his phone across the street and watched it get crushed by a car. A car driven by mundies that wouldn’t see him. Alec sort of loved glamours.

Alec didn’t want to move. He felt he couldn’t. Just numb. _Maybe I should just sit here until I die of hunger or a broken heart._

_Stop complaining, this is your fault._

_Magnus will forgive you. You know he will. Just explain._

_You’ll get him killed._

Alec put his hands over his ears like it would block out the voices in his head.

“Alec?” It took him a second to realize that that voice wasn’t in his head. Alec looked up and saw a pair of brown eyes. “Simon. What are you doing here?”

“I was taking a walk with Raphael.” Simon said, and his face went red. “What are you doing?”

“Wallowing.” Alec muttered. “Wallowing in my own self-pity. Wanna join the pity party?”

Simon blinked at him. “What happened?”

“I screwed up.” Alec coughed through budding tears. “And I’m going back to the Institute.”

“Why?” Simon whispered. “Because it’s holy ground that Camille can’t cross over?”

“Actually-“ Alec started, but Simon kept chattering. “Camille is dead. Luke’s wolves tracked her down as she was draining a mundane and she’s dead.”

Alec blinked and took a few seconds to process that. “What.”

“Camille is dead. She’s not a threat! You don’t have to go to the Institute please don’t-“

“What!” Alec stood up suddenly, eyes wide. “Camille is dead? Really dead? Like, how dead?”

“Like 103 percent dead.”

“This…” _can’t be happening._ Alec put his hands on the side of his head and breathed heavily. “If she’s…” _She’s not a threat!_

“Alec?” Simon asked.

“I have to go!” Alec yelped, and tore down the street running. Running back to Magnus.

_Please don’t be too late._

\---

Alec knocked at the door repeatedly. "Magnus!" He yelled. "Magnus! Open up! I need to talk to you!"

Alec composed himself before beating on the door with both fists. "Magnus let me in!"

Alec took a step back, readied himself, and threw himself against the door. It rattled, but didn't give. "Warlock magic." He muttered. "Magnus, please! I thought I was protecting you! Magnus let me explain, _please_!"

No response at all. Alec brought out his stele. "Please don't make me break down this door." He said. He sighed and drew an Opening rune above the lock. There was a click- odd it would give so easily-and the door swung open. 

Alec charged in. "Magnus-" He started, and stopped dead, freezing in the middle of the living room. 

His rosemary plant sat on the coffee table, on top of a book- a journal. There was a card leaning against the plant, labeled simply _Alec_.

Alec went over slowly and picked it up. On the inside, written in Magnus's familiar scrawl: 

 _Alexander, I'm not here. Take your plant, take the papers, and get out of my house. I'm not going to bother you again. If I come back and find you it won't be good for either of us_.

Alec stared at it blankly before the meaning hit. Magnus left. He was gone. 

"I have made a terrible mistake." Alec whispered. 

Carefully he picked up the rosemary plant, the smell still bringing a feeling of safety. He smiled slightly and set it down on the table, picking up the journal.

Alec opened it to the first page and saw Magnus's handwriting. 

_-NY Public Library. He likes books right_

_- ~~Pretty sure there's a garden around here somewhere??~~  Never mind he has allergies _

_-Central Park is cool. Allergies?_

_-Art gallery!!! *Ask Clary for directions_

_-Fancy dinner? Casual dinner? Take out? Order pizza_?

The list went on for a couple pages, listing places and activities. Alec touched the word _library_ and pictured Magnus scrawling it carelessly. What was this?

Alec turned the next page and there were more exotic locations, along with lengths of time. 

_-London is a must. Two weeks at least_

_-The Alamo because REASONS. Couple days_

_-Obviously Paris. Week or two_

_-Ooh Taiwan. I've never been to Taiwan. Idk however long I can keep him_

"Magnus, what is this journal?" Alec whispered and turned the page again. This page was just absent minded doodles, including scribbles that Alec couldn't quite make out. 

The next page was a bit more legible. It listed teas that would help certain things- chamomile for sleeplessness and lemon balm for stress were underlined. 

The page across from that was a series of forms of anxiety attacks, with stars next to certain ones. It took Alec a few moments to realize they were the forms /his/ anxiety attacks took. 

Was the journal about _him_?

The next page was another list, labeled _things to do in New York for less than 30$._ There were 50 things. They were numbered. 

The next page was a carefully detailed list on how to keep a cut from getting infected, with a large "wait but runes I'm dumb" at the bottom. 

The next page was another list. 

_Breathe in 7 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 8. Use to calm down._

_Log health in a journal (haha journal okay that wasn't funny me back to work)_

_Have a safe spot. Make it small and comfortable to isolate him from the overwhelmingness. Blankets. Chocolate. Hot chocolate. Fluffy animals._

_Cleaning stuff to distract him_.

Alec closed his eyes and when he opened them a tear was blurring part of the word _breathe_. 

The next page was full of phone numbers. Just phone numbers, neatly labeled. Alec skimmed through them. 

_Child Abuse Helpline_

_Runaway Support (All Calls Confidential)_

_Suicide Hotline_

_Self-Injury Support (they have a website too[www.selfinjury.com](http://www.selfinjury.com/))_

And then very small at the bottom, written in red, _emergencies ONLY_.

Magnus's own number.

Alec broke down crying and barely managed to turn the page again. Written in red. 

_Alec, here. Everything in red is what I wrote after you broke my heart. Everything else is from before. I didn’t know how to help. So I learned. Keep it, you may find it useful._

Alec closed the journal and hugged it to his chest, leaned against the sofa, crying. “I screwed up.” He choked out. _I tried to do the right thing and I just screwed up._

Alec glanced at Magnus's cabinet. Slowly, he got up and walked over. He opened it and looked at the bottles of alcohol just... sitting there. Hand trembling, he grabbed a clear bottle- vodka maybe? WHo knew with Magnus's stash of liquor.

He unscrewed the cap and threw his head back, gulping straight from the bottle. He swallowed with a wince. It burned in the back of his throat and made him feel unstable. His stomach did flip flops. Alec tried not to gag. 

"I'm gonna have one hell of a hangover." He muttered as he took another drink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this book is a mess then i go and add more mess to the mess im a monster


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't remember the last time I updated this... whoops. Here you go guys.

Alec woke up with a splitting headache. He groaned as he opened his eyes, and spotted a bottle of… something alcoholic, probably, on the coffee table. He reached out to grab it and fell off the couch he’d been sleeping on, pain shooting through his arms. He crashed ungracefully to the floor, groaning. The bottle was empty anyway.

He looked down at himself and stifled another groan. Some people, when they got majorly blackout drunk, ended up naked in a stranger’s bed. Apparently, Alec cut himself with a piece of broken glass. He could see the glass on the floor, stained red like his arms. The cuts were jagged and deeper than he usually made them.

Alec put his face in his hands. Shakily, he forced himself to his feet, legs wobbling. He fell down, chest landing on the arm of the sofa, and he fought down vomit. 

Alec choked a little and thought about curling up into a little ball and never moving ever again. He stood up again, and forced himself to the bathroom, where he threw up. He looked up at himself in the mirror.

His hair was a mess, his eyes were shadowed and bloodshot, his cheek was bloody but not injured. His mouth and clothes were splattered with, well, puke.

“You look like Hell.” Alec whispered to himself, and gave a bitter laugh. His head pounded and he groaned. Right then and there, he made a promise to never touch a drop of alcohol without an adult ever again.

Alec tried to remember what he had done last night, and didn’t come up with anything. His heart rate went up, causing his arms to burn. What had he done?

He splashed his face with water from the sink, and looked a tiny bit less dead. Somehow, he managed to grab a set of clean clothes he kept at Magnus’s- miracle they hadn’t been tossed or burned –and by the time Alec had a shower and got changed into the jeans, T-shirt and overlarge hoodie, some of his hangover had faded (maybe if he told himself that it would turn out to be true).

Alec was seriously grateful he couldn’t drive. He stumbled out of the apartment, hugging Magnus’s journal and his rosemary plant to his chest, and convinced a taxi to take him to the Institute. The cabbie took pity on him and didn’t ask why he would want to go to what mundies perceived as an abandoned church.

Alec leaned against the front gates and looked at the door, and suddenly felt a complete burst of fear- along with a memory.

_Alec, stammering and crying, talking on Magnus’s landline, the journal open to the page full of help lines. “Help me.” He begged to whoever was on the other end. “Help me, please.”_

Alec shook it off, and set his rosemary plant outside the front door, resolving to get it to his room later. After a brief pause, he set the journal beside it.

There was no one in the foyer, except for annoying bright lights. He squinted, and held his hand up to his face. Ah.

Ah.

Out of, like, nowhere, his mother came rushing towards him. Alec stumbled back, startled, and she crushed him in a hug. “Alexander, I’ve been so worried. Where have you _been_? What happened to you? Are you okay baby?”

“Fine.” Alec muttered, but maybe it was a little slurred or hesitant or something, because Maryse grabbed him by the shoulders and looked at him from an arm’s length away. “I know that look. I _invented_ that look. You are wearing the patented Maryse look of heartbreak and hangover. This way.”

“Sorry…” Alec breathed a murmur, and Maryse shepherded him to the infirmary without a word, plopped him on a bed, and started mixing something together. Alec smelled something citrusy.

Maryse handed him a steaming mug of something. Alec sniffed it suspiciously. “It’s my personal cure for horrible hangovers. Drink.”

Alec drank it. Tasted a little like some kind of tea. Maryse sat next to him, looking at him kindly. Alec wanted to scream. _Where were you all these years? You tried, but you never_ really _did anything to stop him! Stop acting like this makes up for anything!_

“So,” Maryse said softly. “What did that warlock do to you?”

“ _That warlock_ has a name.” Alec snapped.

“Not if he hurt my son he doesn’t.”

 _Hypocrite._ “Magnus didn’t do anything.” _I hurt him. I hurt myself._

Maryse reached out to take his hand. Alec tried to shy away, but she grabbed it. “Please don’t.” Alec hissed, but it came out more like a whimper. “I don’t like being touched.”

“I’m your mother.”

“ _I don’t like being touched._ ” Alec repeated, because she obviously hadn’t gotten the memo. Maryse ignored him and Alec yanked his hand away. “I don’t like it, so stop. It’s that _freaking simple_.”

Alec was already having a crappy day, complete with a crappy hangover. The last thing he needed was his crappy father.

The universe hated him.

Robert came into the infirmary not in a blaze of anger, but calmly. Alec shrank down. He did that a lot- he didn’t act angry. He looked perfectly reasonable. Alec couldn’t count the number of times he’d thought his father wasn’t upset at him and then got hit.

“Alexander.” He said coldly, but not cruel. “Where have you been?”

“I ran away.” Alec said quietly. “But I came back.”

“You ran away.” Robert said. Maryse hugged Alec close to her chest, and he tried to pull away and failed. “You ran away?”

“Yes.” Alec flinched and curled into a defensive position, even in his mother’s arms. It was not a safe place. Magnus was a safe place. Magnus was gone.

That freaking simple.

“Where did you stay? If not this house, who’s were you? The streets’? The warlock’s?” Alec flinched again at his father’s words. “The warlock.”

“Magnus. His name is Magnus.” Alec tried to find the courage to glare, but he just wanted to die.

“Robert, enough. Can’t you see he’s gone through a lot?”

“He’s been through worse.” Robert waved a hand dismissively. _Wrong._ Alec thought. “So. You were with the warlock. Magnus.”

Alec closed his eyes and tried to find some kind of comfort when his mother hugged him. Nothing. He was broken, because he felt nothing.

Robert leaned down and Alec shrank away from his hot breath. “You were with your warlock _boyfriend_ instead of your own family. Your family, who raised you, cared for you, fed you, did everything for you.”

“We broke up.” Alec whispered, and he started rubbing his wrist. He opened his eyes a fraction and looked at Robert. “I broke up with him. Are you _happy_ now… Father?”

“Watch your attitude.” Robert hissed, and grabbed Alec by the hair and yanked him away from his mother. Maybe in her arms he’d felt nothing, but in his father’s he couldn’t have been more terrified.

“Robert! Stop!”

Alec’s head hit the wall, and something- a window sill, a nail that was poking out, something –scratched his ribs. Alec gasped in air that hurt to inhale and flinched with muscles that hurt to move. He saw his mother trying to drag Robert away from him, and saw her hit the floor.

Alec wanted to die.

He wanted Jace.

He wanted Magnus.

He wanted it to all stop.

He needed it to all stop.

“Stop.” He croaked out. He managed to push himself off the wall, and his voice didn’t shake too much. “No more.”

Robert looked at him. “What are you saying, you disrespectful, disgusting-“

“I’m reporting.” Alec’s voice almost gave out. His heart felt like it was going to explode. “I’m reporting.”

“Alec-“ His mother was by his side. “You’re bleeding. Come on.”

She took him to his room and tried to tug his hoodie off so she could see how hurt he was. But Alec kept wriggling away. T-shirt sleeves weren’t long enough. She would see she would see she would see-

“Alec?” She whispered, holding his hand in hers, staring at his arms. The new cuts and the not so new. The faded scars, the fresher ones. The mess that was his arms. “What are these?”

Alec broke down sobbing.

\---

Maryse looked in horror at her crying child. “I…” He choked out. “I self-harm. I nearly killed myself when I was 14.”

 _No_ , Maryse thought. _No, no you didn’t._

“Magnus saved me. Don’t you get that? I was falling apart and _no one noticed_ but Magnus saved me.” Alec looked at her with tear filled eyes. “You _never cared._ You never cared about me until I messed up. And now suddenly, you’ve started caring? It doesn’t work like that, _mother_.”

“Alexander…”

“You knew.” Alec whispered. “And you did nothing to stop him.”

“Please forgive me.”

“I don’t have to.” Alec rasped. “I don’t.”

“Alexander…”

“Mother.” The word sounded bitter in Maryse’s ears, and it came out of Alec’s mouth like it was coated with poison. “Stop.

“Just stop.”

\---

Alec was curled up in the corner of his room with a blanket wrapped around himself, eyes dry. He was just tired at this point.

Tired.

Somewhere in the Institute, his parents were fighting. He could hear them yelling at each other, and his stomach turned and he felt sick.

He got up and sighed and started moving, thinking if he couldn’t sleep at least he could get some work done. On the way to the library, he passed the Sanctuary, where he could hear an oddly familiar voice.

“ _Dios_ , someone answer!”

Alec opened the door to the only place in the Institute vampires were allowed. “Raphael?”

The leader of the vampire clan grinned at him. “ _Hola_ , Lightwood. I’ve just gotten an important message from a certain someone you may care about.”

Alec’s heart sank. “What do you need?”

“Me? Nothing. Your parabatai needs you, though.”

Alec straightened up. “Jace?”

“He just sent a message.” Raphael handed Alec a piece of paper. “Sebastian plans to take over the world, and this is your only chance to stop him.”

_Your only chance to get Jace back._

“What do I need to do?”

“I’ve got a friend at the Dumort.” Alec’s heart sped up a little, and he couldn’t help but think _Magnus_. “She’d be willing to Portal you there.”

 _Not Magnus._ “I’m doing this alone?”

Raphael snorted. “Of course not. Simon wants to come, and I, as a responsible leader, cannot allow him to go without backup.”

“Let me grab my bow and I’ll be right there.” Raphael nodded and turned to leave, but Alec called out, “Raph? Thank you.”

For a few moments, there wasn’t a reply. Then, “never a problem, _hermano_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whohoo almost done with this book *john green happy dance* then we just have Devil's Due and you guys can stop being emotionally damaged by my writing!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes yes i know its been literally forever im really sorry thank you for your patience and this is the last chapter, so I'm going to wrap everything up and it's pretty short... well at least I finished. enjoy

The battlefield was filled with smoke. Alec coughed and looked around. "Raph! Back up!"

Raphael was no where in sight. Cursing, Alec peaked out from behind his rock, and shot at one of Sebastian's soldiers. "Where are you?" He muttered. 

He heard something, and turned around fast enough to catch a sword as it arced towards him. Black eyes grinned back at him. "Howdy." Sebastian Morgenstern smiled. 

"You." Alec spat. He spun away to keep his bow from getting damaged, and grabbed a sword from the ground. "Where's Clary and Jace?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?"

"They're gone." Alec realized. "They escaped together."

Sebastian grit his teeth. "No."

"You're lying."

Sebastian struck at him, and Alec deflected. They battled for an eternity before Sebastian kicked Alec's ankle, and he fell to the ground. Alec stared up at him, with a sword pointed at his face.

"You will die here, Lightwood." Sebastian panted. "You will die, here, and now."

"No." Alec coughed. "Because that's the thing.  _I don't know how to die._ "

Sebastian hissed as Alec kicked his leg and got up.

Two shadows ran over the hill. "Alec!" The shorter one yelled. "There's an explosive! Run!"

Alec looked at the ground. Sure enough, something there was flashing. "Whelp." He muttered. Quickly, he hit Sebastian's head with a rock, and got out his bow as he ran.

He fired back, and his arrow hit the ground.

Silence.

Boom.

\---

Sebastian Morgenstern was dead.

\---

There was a trial back at Idris. Alec got a restraining order on his father- him and his mother were going to a different Institute. Jace and Clary were going to help him run New York.

That was then.

Now, there was a knock at the Institute door.

Alec put down his book and opened the door. "Yah, hello?" He asked, rubbing at his eyes. "It's the middle of the night."

"Then what are you doing up?"

Alec's heart sped up and his eyes snapped open. "Magnus."

He smiled. "Ah, I checked my voicemail. Finally. You got drunk and called me, and explained some things. Like how you broke up with me to try to save me from Camille?"

"I should have told you." Alec muttered. "I was just... trying to do the right thing."

Magnus smiled at him. "I know. That's why I'm here. I was hoping we could give it another shot."

Alec smiled, and laced their fingers together. "Come on. Maybe a movie theatre is still open at this time of night. Shall we?"

"We shall."

 

End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *jazz hands*


End file.
